THE INTER-PLANETARY OLYMPIC GAMES

Good evening! I'm Bob "the Alien" Wilson, your host for the Year 2000 Inter-Planetary Olympic Games. We'll be travelling through the planets and moons of the Solar System, finding out how different sports would be affected by each planet's gravitational pulls. First, we'll start with the Sun.

ROUND ONE: The Sun-

Here we are, on the Sun. The temperature is unbearable, but then again, it is summer. Actually, it's summer all year round here. Of course, realistically, we wouldn't be able to stand on the Sun because it's made up of gas, but we're wearing special suits solve this problem. The only problem they don't solve is gravity.

The first event of our Inter-Planetary Olympiad is the Long Jump. Our competitor, Blob, is about to start running. He's off! But, he's running very slowly. It's as if his feet are stuck to the ground. In fact, his whole body seems to be getting stuck to the Sun. The Sun's gravitational pull is twenty-eight times stronger than it is on Earth! It's no wonder it manages to attract planets as far away as Pluto! The run up is completed (about twenty minutes later) and our competitor has jumped no further than a footstep. Oh well. What about the high jump? Here we go! Our competitor is off! No, he's not. He can't lift his feet off the floor again. You could put a matchbox there and he wouldn't be able to jump over it. Hmmmm, okay, next up is golf. Our competitor has a golf club in his hand. The hole is 180 yards away, so he's going for the 3 wood. He we go. Here's the swing. Oh! He can't even lift the golf club! He's trying his hardest. No, the club feels too heavy for him. He can't do it. He's going to give up. He's going to pick the ball from the tee and go home. Oh no!! Even the ball is too heavy for him! It's 28 times heavier than a golf ball on Earth! It's even heavier than a bowling ball! He'd better get sorted our soon because he's about to play a game of snooker.

Here we are, at the Sun's snooker table. It's our competitor Blob against Jimmy White Dwarf! Blob is about to take the first shot, but he can't lift up the cue! Hang on! He's got it now! He had help from 28 people in the audience so it feels just as heavy as a cue on Earth, even though 28 people are there trying to pick it up. The cue is on the table. He takes his shot. The ball goes a few centimetres, despite him trying his hardest! Jimmy White Dwarf has a go, but again, the ball only goes a few centimetres. After about 10 attempts, the ball finally hits a red ball. Each player has already scored 40 points and not potted a ball!

Ten Minutes Later: Right, the red ball is on the edge of the pocket and the white ball is right next to it. Providing Blob puts all his effort and strength into this shot, he should pocket the ball. Shhhhhh! He's about to take his shot. Yes!!! He's got it in! Noooooo!!! The ball has gone down the hole and, feels so heavy, that it has torn a hole through the net holding it in. The competitors can't play on a broken table. We'll have to go onto the next sport, football.

The ball is kicked off, about 2 centimetres. After five minutes, all players are worn out, even though they haven't ran as far as the other length of the pitch. Nobody wants to head the ball because it'll feel like it's full of lead, and the goalkeeper definitely doesn't want to try to save it. This doesn't matter though because nobody can kick it for more than a few centimetres each time.

Ninety minutes later: Well, the ball only just managed to get kicked out of the centre circle, but most players were totally worn out by then, sleeping on the ground somewhere, unable to get up because they'd weigh twenty-eight times their usual body weight! We may as well move onto the next planet!